Broken

Back to the grindstone this evening with a lovely gig in Thames Ditton this evening. When I say grindstone, I mean gigging. I haven’t previously been at a grindstone, nor do I intend to return to one as I can’t imagine what help it would have on my career. ‘How are the gigs going?”Rubbish, but my knives are very sharp.’ Its a silly expression and I think it should stop. Thanks. I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to gigging tonight or not. I still feel pretty ill. By the time I went to bed last night I was fairly sure I was feeling better, but then I woke up this morning and quickly realised I wasn’t. There’s nothing like a face-full of snot and back ache to assure you you are still very much ill. I think yesterday’s rouse was caused by vast amounts of Lemsip, something I will also be taking today. I’m intending to take a lemsip onstage tonight, because I’m that rock and roll. Sorry, I mean flu-ridden.

Its not just me that’s broken in my flat. Our freezer, washing machine and toilet seat have all broken whilst I’ve been away or since I’ve returned. The freezer refuses to freeze anything, which sort of renders its sole purpose useless. It is sitting in our kitchen all dormant and warm. It has become merely a temperate. I have tried to explain to Layla that should we want to keep anything temperate we should put it in that. Layla, however, thinks we just need a new freezer. The washing machine’s door has come off. Again I’m willing to use it as it is and watch as water spirals out on the kitchen floor. It might not clean the clothes but it would be like a tiny water park for the cats. The hinges have properly snapped so our only options are to get a new washing machine or buy a new door for the washing machine. I’m keen to just get a new door, but then it would mean we have to attach it using a special screwdriver, and my experience of these things is that its nowhere near as easy as it looks. Yes buying the new door would only be a fraction of the price of buying a new washing machine, but I worry I will break the new door trying to put it on and then have spent money on a new door and a new washing machine. This is a highly likely occurrence.

Our toilet seat was broken when we returned home. This means someone who has been feeding the cats must’ve done it. I’m not sure how, but its the sort of break that could only occur if someone were to jump on it, or a very large person leaped backwards to sit on it. Either way, it can still be sat on and so it just remains a slight annoyance for the time being. My friend James (as in webman James or @tweetcomedyclub James) said its because I’ve been away from the flat and I’m broken, so the flat has also broken, like a symbiotic relationship. I like the idea that me and my flat are like Spiderman and his black costume (later Venom for the non-Marvel geeks), and that it thrives on my life source. I hope that when I get better, the washing machine door, freezer and toilet seat will all automatically heal themselves. I can’t see that happening, and if it does then I will be quite scared. Less Spiderman, more The Shining, which is a horrible thought. I’ve already, whilst typing that last sentence, got myself worried about having a shower in case a dead lady is in the bath.

Must do things, and when I say things, I mean drink more Lemsip. Lots of actual stuff to do but I reckon I will do it best when high on paracetamol lemony drinks. Currently sorting dates for gigs, and have a horrible feeling it will get to the gig date only for me to notice I’ve booked in one of my cats and my nan due to Lemsip hallucinations. Saying that, they both make me laugh so it could be ace.

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