Zombie Hunter

I watched 28 Weeks Later last night. Having seen 28 Days Later several times and then calling my show 28 Years Later, I felt it was only right to familiarise myself with the second installment of the infected ‘zombie’ horror movie franchise. It goes without saying that it terrified me for some time afterwards. During the course of the film there were several jumps, one or two tight grips of Layla’s arm, one milkshake made from ice-cream and Ferro Roche, and one turn ‘urgh’ moment when Robert Carlisyle pokes his wife’s eyes out using his thumbs. I don’t care how angry I get I will never do that. Its not so much that I wouldn’t like inflicting that level of pain or disfigurement on someone, which I wouldn’t, but also, eye goo on the thumbs? Excuse me while I vom into my own mouth. Which to be fair, is also a disgusting thing to do and would probably start me on some sort of disgusting vomiting cycle. Not dissimilar to when I saw the first Jackass film with the vomlette or when my friend Louis put a porn film called Clusterfuck on the television. There was a moment with a teaspoon that I never ever want to see again ever. To say I am squeamish would be only partly correct as its only stuff to do with certain body parts that gets me retching. Eyes are the biggy. Any eye damage can not be tolerated. Even the moment in Terminator when he forks his own robotic eye out gets me wincing like an incey spider. However any heads exploding, guts ripped out, legs pulled off, I can handle. So not completely squeamish. Just Squea. Or mish. Overall though, while not as chilling as 28 Days Later, the sequel is still very good with a high level of violence, running around and Stringer Bell which is what you want. The ending annoyed me a bit in that ‘why o why would they do that’ sort of way. I would put a big capital leters bit here saying SPOILERS but you’ve probably all seen it ages ago so sod you. If the world is full of scary scary fast running zombie people, WHY HEAD INTO A DARK TUBE STATION???? IDIOTS! When will they ever learn? One day they will make a film about zombies with only intelligent people in it. It will involve them just holing up in one room for years and years. It’ll be dull and more like Anne Frank than Evil Dead, but I will be happy.

It was a combination of this thinking and a message on Twitter from @nwoolhouseuk that led me to find the website for the Zombie Hunters – http://zombiehunters.org. Here is a group of people that are prepared for the possibility of a zompocalypse by giving seminars and having barbecues and things like that. Admittedly I can’t see how having barbecues could help. Zombies, unlike moths, don’t mind a bit of smoke, and they definitely like meat. I can’t help but feel they’ve got that bit wrong. Apart from that though they have got most things right, and to a degree of seriousness that worries me a bit. Have a read of the forums, and see just how serious these people are about protecting themselves against zombies. There are serious discussions about what provisions you would need and how to barricade up your house. The irony being of course that this level of geekery about the subject means they are probably mostly fat beardy blokes who couldn’t run from a zombie if they tried their best. That and when they are captured they would be providing the undead with a tasty feast of large portions. I mock but should we be overrun by the undead or infected then I will happily use their advice, once I’ve plucked it out of the severed hand of a dead fat man. They have a truly awesome slogan which is ‘We make dead things deader’. I like this although its only good in relation to zombies. As far as anything else is concerned it just becomes creepy. Funerals would be ruined and no one ever trusts someone who spends ages stamping on a bit of roadkill. So I took all that into consideration and joined up to be a Zombie Hunter and got a t-shirt too. It felt only right to do so and it gives me 4 more minutes of material about zombies for the show which is handy. I then stayed up writing and had to go round the house double checking what protection we had if hordes of evil started banging on window. Turns out we have a reasonable amount. Living in Finsbury Park the previous owners had put removable bars over the windows and a gate infront of the door. I can’t help but wonder if they were a little paranoid or had moved over from Compton, but should the world end via facebiting braindeads then they’ve done us a big favour.

Fat Tuesday tonight and rather oddly as well as Stephen K Amos, its my preview too. Even more oddly than that, Amos has to open so I’m closing my own gig. I can’t help but feel that its all a little odd and I feel a bit nervous about it. I mean, if I die here, then it will hurt more than most gigs. I’m also a bit scared that most of the punters will leave after Amos. I’m hoping that my constant MCing and running of Fat Tuesday will provide enough loyalty that they stick around. And if they don’t I will call Zombie Squad and say they were all staring at me vacantly before aimlessly wandering off. Hopefully that will be enough for a Code Red and they’ll all get eliminated. I like my new Zombie Hunter powers.

Some quick links:

My last two previews before Edinburgh are tonight and tomorrow. Tonight, as said above, is Fat Tuesday. Tickets can be bought at:

http://www.wegottickets.com/event/49203

Tomorrow is at the Hen and Chickens at 7.30 and its somewhere on this long webpage here to buy tickets:

http://unrestrictedview.co.uk/page/venue.php?id=1

If you don’t come to either of those, come to the show in Edinburgh where you can get tickets at www.edfringe.com and if you don’t do that you are a big bumhole and there’s no getting out of it.

Finally, everyone and their dog has now seen it but I haven’t yet posted it up here, so presenting Dan Antopolski’s Sandwich Rap (featuring me as a little chef and loads of other comedians):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEwM0Fnkg4A

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