Picture This

Why is it so difficult to find a hi-res image of a piece of cheese? Ok realistically I can’t imagine why many people would ever take pictures of cheese, then make them hi-res and put them online for the joy of everyone to see. But at the same time the internet has entire websites dedicated to pets with stuff on them, giant versions of sweets, even Gary Wilmot has a webpage which is as hugely pointless as it gets considering no one really gives a toss what he’s doing with his wasted life anymore. So the web should be filled with hi-res pictures of cheese. There should be pages and pages of cheesiness ready for me to download with utter simplicity. And yet instead, the cheese eludes me. I have searched google images for nigh on days now and all I can find are low res images of tacky looking cheese boards. The kind you might get in a hotel that doesn’t really care or perhaps a party where the hosts have bought all the food from Iceland. Kerry Katona’s cheeseboard for example. One brie, one value cheddar, one upturned pot of Philadelphia, four fag butts and twelve ounces of disappointment. To find a decent cheese picture I have looked at various online galleries where you pay for a licence to use the cheese. It asks for what purpose the use is before a price is decided and to use a picture of a slice of cheese for a small theatre show for one month is a very reasonable…..£145?!?!? £145 for a picture of a slice of cheese? Has the world gone completely insane? If I had been even remotely clever I’d could have bought some cheese for a couple of quid, taken a picture myself, used that for me, then uploaded it and charged the world £145 for it. In fact maybe that’s what I should do. I also need a picture of a wrinkly old man and someone dressed very smart and wearing a monocle. Its all for one joke. One joke I am seriously considering not dong anymore if it means paying £145 for a stupid picture of cheese. Maybe its aimed at mice who think its real art?

Had a bit of a lovely day yesterday. Which is thoroughly boring for you. Sorry about that. I have learnt that while disappointments are not appreciated at the time, they create a better blog. As it is apart from cheese rage, I got to eat a very nice Sunday lunch at our friends house, consisting of veggie Toad in the Hole and then blackberry crumble and custard. Both of those dishes were awesome although I am always confused as to why Toad in the Hole is called such a thing. Sausages do not look like toads. Not even those weird ugly brown toads. If anything they look more like turds. Maybe it should be called Turd in the Hole? Although I suppose it wouldn’t be as popular a dish. And instead sound like a fetish website. Crumble is as it says, so that’s all fine. It also causes you to physically crumble for hours afterwards. Its a double edged sword of dessert danger. I’m not sure how anyone ever gets anything done after a crumble. Whole nations could stop if they were to be fed crumble for breakfast. It would be like a very mild version of chemical warfare. Without chemicals, or war. In fact I think we may have sold all further wars. Lets get loads of Northern ladies to make batches of good crumble and send it over, thus crippling all other armies and we can just stroll in and win while they hold their stomachs, sit in comfy chairs and occasionally exhale breath while flicking through the telly channels.

I had to gig last night, which was not ideal. Luckily there was some processing time between crumble and gig, but it would never be enough. Annoyingly for you – the reader, the gig was so delightful all crumble pain was ignored, so instead I could focus all attention on speaking to a man called Gabriel who worked for Google and sat in the front row. That’s the sort of golden opportunity for a gig. Inventive name combined with job that can be joked about for the duration of the show. He was accompanied (in terms of audience) by several Irish actresses, a man who makes music for stage shows, a Spanish neuro-linguist who couldn’t pronounce ‘neuro-linguist’ and a political scientist from San Francisco. To top it off the gig was the brilliant Downstairs at the Kings Head which is 10 mins from my house. Sickening isn’t it? Its all a bit nice and everything. Well do not fear as today is to be spent doing work on my Edinburgh show which will no doubt cause some anger and distress at trying to find further pictures of cheese and generally not doing the work I’m meant to be doing. Fingers crossed something does go horribly wrong just for your sake. I will hate it if it does but I’m caring like that. I’m all for the people. Like a blogging whore. Except you don’t pay me. Maybe that’s something I should look into. Getting paid, not whoring. Although I am still short of Edinburgh funding with only two weeks to go, so that might be a viable option too. I could have a card saying ‘Short, beardy man will do only certain things for pictures of cheese.’ I reckon the work will come flooding in. I don’t like the idea of being flooded. Think I may try and get an extra £145.

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