Brevity is the Key To Wit

This blog shall be brief as I have timed my day very badly and slept a bit more than was necessary. I say that but its a Sunday, so there is no amount of sleep that is unnecessary. Unless of course you are due to be at someone’s house for lunch. Which me and Layla are. So I’m afraid this blog takes the hit. Either I write for you lovely people/one person or our actual friends get a bit upset. As it is, I don’t like letting Randolph down (new readers please see previous blogs. Not that there are any new readers, as its just Randolph that reads this) but he has survived worse situations. Like the time where just as he was about to grab the ancient idol of Pika Chu, a big snake ate it and then the snake was eaten by a tiger. Then just as Randolph was about to kill the tiger he sneezed and it went everywhere but he didn’t have any tissues and as he was searching for some he discovered there was a squashed banana in the bottom of his bag. I mean if that isn’t nightmarish, I don’t know what is. So a small blog shouldn’t upset him too much.

Begin cheaty bullet point blog:

– Got my new trainers. After hours of searching around I eventually bought them in JD Sports which made me feel a little bit scummy but they are nice trainers. I’m fairly sure though that the JD stands for Juvenile Delinquent as that is what most of the staff are. ‘Oi, you want help or suffink?’ No I believe it is you who needs help with manners and probably how to read, write and not stab people.

– Most new trainers seem to have had the design brief that they are to have colours that would make epileptics have a fit thrown on in a fashion that looks as though they’ve been stuck on by a malcoordinated child. I have never wanted to draw that much attention to my feet. Generally they are not people’s favourite body part. I wonder if the next step for the idiots that wear golden and flourescent green trainers is to have jeans with arrows on pointing downwards and a big sign saying ‘look at my over elaborate feet because my cock is tiny’.

– I got Adidas again. This means I can still sing ‘My Adidas’ on a day to day basis. Nike doesn’t have a song. Take that Nike.

– The West End on a Saturday is a stupid place filled with too many people. Still think there should be a pavement fast lane so I don’t stuck behind dawdling idiots. They could all dawdle in the slow lane where hopefully they would all trample each other to death and piss off.

– I also bought a case for my ipod that means a bear could stand on it and a train could hit it and it’d be fine. Well I think it would survive me dropping it a bit anyway. This is necessary after the way in which my last phone became victim to the urinal at Old Rope. I would like a case for most things I own. After hurting my knee sliding on the floor while playing squash on Friday, I’m wondering if they sell knee cases? Not pads, cases.

– Komedia Late Show was lovely. They were a bit tired, but very nice. Not a single stag do in sight. Brighton vs Newcastle. Brighton wins. They were a bit slow though. I asked a nurse what area she specialised in and she said ‘gastroenterology’. I said I bet that’s a gas. No one got it. Idiots. Although on second thoughts, it could be because it was a shit gag. Shit gag, geddit?

– One of the acts (who shall remain nameless) made a non-ironic joke about how if he wanted a ‘woman’s opinion, I’d go into the kitchen and ask her for one’. I spent some time wandering around backstage looking for the time machine that had sent me back to 1974. Can’t believe those jokes still happen. I also can’t believe no one in a liberal Brighton crowd hit him for it. I really really can’t believe that all of them laughed. Somewhere Emiline Pankhurst is wondering why she bothered.

– I like jelly beans. But I really shouldn’t like jelly beans. Three of them and I drove faster than I should do. Bad jelly beans.

Right. That was brief. Shakespeare said that ‘brevity is the key to wit’. Somehow after re-reading this, I think that is not true. Shakespeare was a dick. No one liked him because he spoke like a twat.

‘You want to play footie Shakespeare?’

‘Forsooth, the game of ball and foot! A merry game shall we have upon the moors.’

‘Well if you’re going to be like that you can’t play.’

Then they all pushed him over.

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