Doodle Proof

Its day two in the Douieb flat and Tiernan still has no beard. See what I did there? I started like it was Big Brother because thats what was on yesterday. Im well clever me. Of course if you didn’t read that in a Geordie accent it won’t have worked. But that will be your fault. I read it in a Geordie accent as I wrote it so it sounded great to me. That will be the only BB reference in today’s blog. Its hardly worth mentioning otherwise and I only caught the last few mins of it last night, just in time to watch one fuckwit draw a moustache on another fuckwit’s face. Fuckwit two seemed pretty ok about it. Maybe (to steal Carey Marx’s joke) she realised pictures of her would now be doodle proof. More likely, its because she is a fuckwit. It has to be the last series now doesn’t it? We’ve seen enough of people being dicks all over a house now, and Davina saying things that make you bite your own hand through cringing. If they are to continue this farce further then they need something really new next year. I still think all the contestants should be homeless. Then they really would do anything to stay in the house. Just a thought.

Yesterday was mine and Layla’s 6 year anniversary. Thats nuts isn’t it? Six whole years. In that time loads and loads of stuff has happened. Most amazingly we’ve only argued about 4 times ever. I put this down to the fact that Layla never annoys me and she is incredibly tolerant of my stupidity. She has put up with me being an idiot on more than one occasion and has rarely got sad about it. This is why she is good at being a teacher. One kid being a bit mouthy or not doing their work is nothing compared to the time I was so drunk on my 25th birthday that I woke up at 4am, sat on a chair in the bedroom and waited. When she woke up and asked me what I was doing I said the classic line ‘I’m awaiting confirmation!’ then I just weed. I am a terrible human. One of the only things we’ve ever argued about, and still refer to was some incident about buying a loaf of bread about 4 years ago. We can’t even remember what happened, but something did happen and we had a huff at each other. This is now now as ‘Breadgate’ and despite the details being lost, it is still used as mocking fodder at every possible opportunity. To celebrate lasting six years without everything going wrong, we went to Lemongrass in Stoke Newington, a nice little inexpensive Thai restaurant. Its food is great, and the place is quite nice. However these things are marred by two clear issues. The first is that the restaurants telephone has the loudest most obnoxious ring it could possibly have. It blares out over the cheesy Thai music they play and resonates in the ears of all the diners everytime it calls. Its like a bloody klaxon and is really the last thing you want when you’re having a meal. This was just about topped by the manager who walked around a lot making loud snotty snorts with his nose. These were proper, ‘lets hack back a booger’ type sounds, where he was making a distinct effort to wash back those tides of snot with as much force as possible. If I have a similar backlog of green dirt, I will try and be tactful about it if I’m in any public arena, let alone one where people where eating. He had no such worries and it made the green curry a little less enjoyable. Still it was a nice meal otherwise, especially the tempura. I love tempura. I think more things should be covered in batter and deep fried. Although to be fair thats what they do in Scotland and why people die of clogged up hearts.

In other news, I still have no beard. I know I can’t have a beard till after Sunday, but this doesn’t stop it being wrong. Layla keeps pointing and giggling at my chin and saying how tiny it is. I don’t like the smallness of my chin. It looks like its been superimposed from a smaller person’s face. Somewhere out there is a child with a big beardy man chin getting stared at. I may invest in some sort of chin covering device, or perhaps a fake joke shop beard. Only problem is then people will think I’m a fuckwit from Big Brother and that would be bad. Still I suppose I would be partly doodle proof.

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