Damn God It’s Friday

Friday’s are generally hailed as a bit of a bloody great day all the way round the world. Its the end of the working week, usually spent with a pub lunch and very little happening until at 5pm when you go home knowing yo have two days of freedom with which you will do nothing useful or life affirming and start again on Monday wondering why you exist in this constant cycle of monotonous depression before retiring 60 years down the line and then dying. But for the budding comedian Fridays are shit. Fridays are the day when if you’re gigging out of London it will take 3 hours just to leave the city then another two sitting in dead traffic on whichever motorway of choice you’re on. If you train it then you will be squashed to the extent that you can only take shallow breaths and lose most of your body weight in sweat. Then when you arrive at the gig you are put infront of an audience who have been drinking since they left work at 5 or 6pm and through the power of booze are able to convey utmost apathy/dissent/weariness at your performance. Then to top it off the next day is a Saturday and you have to gig then too. Those people that say Thank God Its Friday are comedianist. Also those people that say God Is A DJ are wrong because if he was then he would work Fridays and Saturdays too. Depending on which religious deity he is he would have issues doing Sunday Sessions clubs or might actually have a problem with using his decks on a Saturday due to the electricity required and it being Sabbath. It could all get very confusing.

I have to drive all the way to Lincolshire tonight which is why I’m not happy. I like the place I’m driving too, that’s the good bit, and the gig should be nice. What I don’t like is that it will take at least three hours to get there because of the A1. The A1 is a road designed by idiots who are scared of three lanes. Its horribly slow which long roads shouldn’t be. Not that roads themselves are fast, being made of tarmac and all, but the speed limits can be. Saying that, if roads were fast I’d get there even quicker. I could just park then let the road race me all the way there while I had a snooze. Someone design self-moving roads please! I am a replacement for tonight’s gig. I’m not sure who I’m replacing yet but it’s the Leicester Comedy Festival tour with Carl Donnelly, Holly Walsh, Jarred Christmas and Stewart Francis, so one of them must be ill. I will find out which one, then as not to disappoint, will try and recreate their entire set and do it in their voice. Don’t want people to complain.

Had a crazy day yesterday. Went to see my Nan which I don’t do often enough. That wasn’t the crazy bit. In fact it was ace as usual. My Nan is very very tiny and always has great tales about when she was a girl during the Blitz. I ignorantly was never that interested when I was younger, but I’m pleased I’m asking her about it all now as I find it pretty fascinating. She also showed me pictures of lots of my French relatives who I’ve never met. Lots of them look very French. They tend to have massive dark eyebrows and look about them that says ‘I smoke Gaulosies and drink coffee’. One of them looked a lot like he could have been an aide or a hindrance to Phillip Marlowe in any of one his tales. I’d go for aide purely ‘cos he’s family, but big dark eyebrows are usually given to bad guys. Not sure why. I can’t imagine how plucking your eyebrows makes you any more wholesome as an individual. I went to uni with someone who we were all sure plucked his eyebrows and wore mascara, and I didn’t trust him one it because of this.

Anyway I chose not to look at my phone throughout seeing my Nan, so on leaving I noticed I had 4 missed calls, 22 emails, and 7 texts which all had to be dealt with. I raced home did them all in a 3 hour panic mission and felt like some sort of super tasker. What I can never understand is that guaranteed, if I had not gone to see my Nan, no one would have called or texted or anything. Its part of the ritual of Sod. If you are busy, you will be over-run with business. If you are a lazy fat arse, you will not be given anything else to do until you get so bored and turn into a lump of waste. I got all the stuff done because I had to before we started on Game Day 2. I quickly drove to Mat’s flat which meant a detour through Chelsea. I haven’t been to Chelsea in ages and the whole journey I was cut up by people in either massive 4x4s or angry little Smart Car drivers. It was like a vicious motorized version of Gulliver’s travels. I swore at some of them and seriously considered driving my car into the side of theirs out of anger, realising that such an action would not damage the 4x4s but could kill a Smart Car. Knowing that is the consequence its probably worth the risk. Sadly, while Game Day 2 was good, we did not beat Resident Evil 5 as the plan went. This was largely due to a big wormy creature that kept stabbing us in the face and several horrible creatures called lickers that kept, well, er licking us. I understand that doesn’t sound very scary, but trust me it was.

So Game Day 3 must be done. If it doesn’t hundreds of innocents will be destroyed by the Uroborous virus, which we can’t let happen. Until then lets hope the A1 isn’t full of lickers, wormy creatures, 4x4s and Smart Cars, or my three hour journey will only be made much much worse.

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