Notes on Galway

Ireland has ruined me. Here are some small notes on the past day while I go off and lie down in a dark room with no booze anywhere near me:

– Galway airport is officially fun-sized. I followed the sign to departure gates and there were only two of them and one was closed. The departure lounge is made up of one tiny cafe and some chintzy armchairs that look like they have been donated from a church. It is great.

– Aer Araan is great although their planes look like they might not work properly. They do though. Its amazing how little faith I have in small planes.

– Ryan Air is not great. Even I didn’t have enough leg room. That is saying something. My legs are very small. There was a crying baby on the flight, I was surprised the parents didn’t receive a surcharge for that considering everything else Ryan Air charge extra for. If they didn’t, they should have done just to stop the noise. The horrible horrible noise. Babies clearly do not like flying.

– Kevin’s car is a bit nice. Despite having a nice car already he seems to enjoy spending time taunting desperate car dealers with reduced offers for more nice cars and then not following it through to watch the despair in their eyes in such terrible financial times. I think this is funny, they probably don’t.

– Kevin is also very good at naming horses.

– Gort has made the Brazillians go grey due to lack of sunshine. I believe it has the power to remove any tan, including fake ones with its constantly overclouded sky.

– I would get away with doing nastier material if I was dressed up as a goblin, apparently.

– I watched two short films before the show made by the comic Emmet O’Malley. He is funny. One of his films was funny. The other one was probably also funny but I didn’t understand a word anyone said as their accents were very thick. There was one English character in it. He spoke in an Australian/Irish accent. I later learnt this is because he is Irish. No one at the viewing seemed to notice except me and Jim Tavare. It appears the Irish have as stereotyped a view of our accents as we do of theirs. I like this.

– If you order a half pint of Guinness everyone knows that a) you are not Irish, b) you are probably British, and c) you are a big girl’s blouse.

– I was told that you have to drink Guinness in Ireland as it tastes different to everywhere else. I did, and I still didn’t like it. It tastes a bit like someone’s poured sour cream in my beer. I like sour cream and I like beer, but not together. Not even if I am eating Mexican food and getting drunk.

– The newsreader on RTE pronounces finance as ‘Fi-narnce’. I will now pronounce it like that too. It sounds nicer.

– The Roison Dubh is a great venue. The only downside is that the loos are all the way upstairs. This meant one comic (who shall remain nameless) had to wee in a cup backstage.

– The road that the Roison Dubh is on also has a strip club, a casino and a sex shop on it, as well as two other bars. It is known as the strip and there is a church at the end so the Catholics can do a marathon of sin and get rid of all the guilt when they are done.

– Drum and Bass Dj’s live in Galway, FACT. Well just one of them, but he seemed nice.

– I am good at drinking Jagermeister shots without using my hands. So is the drum and bass DJ. I was better, I win.

– Gugai wasn’t there and Gugai owes me a mix CD. I think this is why he wasn’t there.

– There was a Russian lady in the audience who’s response to my question of ‘What do you want to achieve in your life?’ was ‘ I would like to swim’. The level of hopes and dreams in Russia are obviously fairly low.

– But not as low as the man in the audience who had the best interval ever because he had an onion ring crisp with two intertwined hula-hoops inside it. I sometimes get excited by savoury snacks, but not that excited.

– If you want to get your haircut in Galway today, don’t go to the place where there is a hairdresser from Winnipeg called Becky. She will almost definitely cut your ears off by accident.

– Kevin nearly killed Trevor Nelson. Hopefully next time he’ll have more luck.

– My hangovers are completely disproportionate to how much I drink. I drank a lot last night, conversely my hangover feels like I drank even more than a lot. I have been told that next time I go back I will drink even more. I am already scared of the hangover that will follow.

– Lord Bishop is one of the coolest names ever.

Overall a bit of a bloody great gig, with bloody nice people in a bloody great place. I look forward to hopefully going back at some point, maybe after my liver has healed. Now for a nap….

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