Death Bus 5000

I’ve just got home after taking a bus that I didn’t check where it was going and only had a vague idea it would get somewhere near me. It did it ended up at the end of my road. I feel pretty proud at having taken such a mega risk. I mean it wasn’t that risky compared to say tightrope walking over a pit of hungry alligators, doing a ski jump over a 300ft ravine or walking in front of the cameras to check the lighting while Christian Bale is doing a scene, but its risky for me. I mean imagine the consequences if it hadn’t gone near my house and had gone somewhere else entirely? I would have had to get another bus all the way back. Shock! I did cheat a bit by getting on the bus at the end of my road earlier and trying to get to where I wanted to. It didn’t and the closest I got was 20 minutes walk away and then I gave in and got the tube. Danger is my middle name. Even though its not. Its Samuel. I wish it was danger, as Samuel is a bit rubbish. Especially as its too normal for my other two names. It would be like if Englebert Humperdinck’s middle name was Dave.

Buses are a lot more risky than people think. I remember when I did a warm up for a trailer for Euro 2008 for the Beeb. The whole point of the trailer was that we interviewed real people in real places and what that entailed was I had to try and cheer up some rather dull unenthusiastic people into talking about football. Considering I knew nothing about football it was a struggle of a day. One of the many ‘real’ locations we visited was a bus depot in Bow. The people there were truly stupid and when we asked one ticket inspector what team he would be support in ’08 he said ‘England’. We told him England weren’t in it, which was kind of the point of the trailer, and so he said ‘Australia’. He then continued to name countries that weren’t in it, and when he ran out of countries started naming local football teams. We gave up after he started naming under 21 teams. The highlight of this venture though was a very creepy looking old man who wandered around the bus depot luring buses into their parking spaces like a sheepdog of transport. He would sort of wave his arms about frantically, then woo them in using a gesture I had only seen on Vic and Bob’s Shooting Stars for the ‘Dove From Above’. Then when they were in the space he would scream ‘STOP’ as though they had just run over a child, before wandering aimlessly off waiting for the next bus. I’m not even sure if he was employed there. At one point he wondered over to us and the film crew and pointing his finger like an inn keeper in a Hammer horror film he said in hushed tones ‘ You want to be careful and watch your step. Them buses can be right silent and just creep up on ya and then BANG you’re a goner.’ We left fairly hurriedly after that, realising we did not belong in this godforsaken place where buses rule the land. I would however like to see more movies like that. ‘The 209: Bus of Death’, ‘Deathsport for London’ or ‘Routemaster of Evil’. Its only a matter of time.

The meeting I was at was a brain storming session for a kids sketch show in Edinburgh. Our meetings always happen the same way, involving me getting there late, we then kick our feet for a while, and catch up. This is followed by two hours of solid work, then a big lunch and then we all give up working. I rather enjoy how it all works. Today the productivity was more than normal until Stan spotted a large dead cockroach on the floor. After some apathy from the rest of us, various horrible stories about cockroaches ensued and then discussed the fact that if there was a nuclear war they would be the only thing to survive. I think this is largely unfair and thoroughly destroys the idea of karma and any religion. I mean firstly, if there was a God, why would he let those repulsive things be more immortal and hard to kill than a bear? Its relative of course. I think I’d have more chance of killing a cockroach than a bear, although if it was a Malaysian Sun Bear I could probably kick it in the face till it died. I wouldn’t do that though. * Karma-wise, what have cockroaches ever done for anyone? Except maybe Wall-E? Nothing. They are gross little creatures and I really hope that fact was made up so that if a nuclear war happens they will assume they are safe and feel a tad gutted when they all melt.

I’m in High Wycombe tonight, which I always hope is like Wycombe only on more drugs. Its not though. Instead its tragically near Slough which can’t be nice for anyone.

* Unless it looked at me funny. Also while looking up a page on bears, I discovered there is a bear called the Kermode bear. Do you think this bear gives films rather harsh reviews and is spotted due to its 50’s throwback flick?

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