Money for Nothing

Tonight I am getting paid not to go to Hull. I’m sure many of you are thinking that this is massively unfair, especially as you are not going to Hull either, but you are not being paid for that. It was looking forward to tonight’s gig at the uni and it would have been a fun trip heading up with two acts I like, but being given a cancellation fee to not drive for eight hours is not something to complain about. It is possibly something to dance about but I wont do that either. 

I remember considering going to Hull uni at one point. I watched the video at our 6th form showing what the place was like and the whole advertising slogan was that it ‘Doesn’t smell of fish’. It was an odd angle to take for a video that was meant to encourage prospective students. Other uni’s said things like ‘we have a great gym facility’, or ‘we have a theatre on campus’, but Hull was quite content with informing you that above all else, it does not have the smell of fish. Perhaps all the people of Hull think that everywhere else constantly smells of fish and they live in the UK’s only fishless smelling haven.  I wonder if that was the lure for many people. ‘For God sakes, if I go to another uni that smells of fish I’m going to forget being a student for ever and just sell crack to children! Oh wait, what’s that….’. The uni I went to did sometimes, on rare occasion, because of a leather factory nearby, smelt of horrible burning cow skin. That was not nice. They didn’t warn us at all on the video of this. I should have been wary. 
The only time I did go to Hull was several years ago, when I travelled up with Alexis Dubus and we did a gig in a pub that when comedy wasn’t on, it had live wrestling. It was one of my first very long journeys to a gig and we survived a hellish journey of rain so hard I had to drive at 30mph on the motorway because I couldnt see. There was a mish mosh of acts and amongst them the lovely Sarah Millican and Steffen Peddie who were both great to meet and told us tales of the Northern circuit. It was a strangely fun gig, although a little Phoenix Nights, an atmosphere that was exaggerated by the twinkly red curtain on the stage. I also got my first and only ever speeding ticket that night on the way back. I tried to explain to the traffic services that I was just trying to get out of Hull as quickly as possible but they didn’t think that was a suitable explanation. They couldn’t understand why I would want to leave somewhere that clearly didn’t smell of fish. 
So its a shame I wont be returning although I’m sure I’ll back there soon. Think of me tonight as you, like me, are not going to Hull. If, by some odd chance you are, then do enjoy that lovely lack of fish scent. 

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